A wave of sadness swept over me, both depressive and nostalgic. Today, I remembered why I started working so hard at the hospital. Not the intrinsic motivation part which has always been there, but the extrinsic “motivation” part.
I walked by the ER today and felt extremely nostalgic of all the 133.25 hours I spent there, feeling very sad and nostalgic that I was no longer working there.
And then I started remembering what the original reason was for me shifting way too much. It wasn’t for the experience.
It was because I was depressed.
I shifted 8, sometimes 12, and sometimes 16 hours a week so that I wouldn’t feel like this. I got my heart broken and I needed something to fill the time that used to be filled by that person. So I worked crazy hours. My friends and professors called me crazy but I needed it so I would just stop crying.
But today I got that tinge of heart aching sadness again. It kind of came out of nowhere. The kind that just makes me sit and stare and wonder…
What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just let it go?
And it’s such a difficult thing to deal with–heartbreak. Back in October, I dealt with it by doubling my shifts and it paid off: I was placed in the Emergency Room where I found my purpose in life.
But now that I’m not in the Emergency Room, and frankly I’m now in a unit I absolutely hate, there’s no escaping from the pain that’s been unearthed. I can’t just suppress it because I decided to go to the hospital three times a week. I’m either sad over the heartbreak, or sad over nostalgia and neither is healthy.
I increased my shift load so I would stop feeling like this. So I would stop lying on the ground wondering why I couldn’t be a perfectly bubbly and happy human being. And now I can’t just put off the feelings anymore and I don’t know what to do.